Jeremy Says

Mickey Says

Last Call for Competitors & Volunteers Needed!

Competitors,

To the one of you (I won't say who) who convinced Burgess Meredith's ghost to train you for Cloaca Maxima ... I salute you. To the rest of you ... time to step it up.

• This is a LAST CALL for competitors. The final final date to confirm your participation is midnight on Sunday, July 29th. If you wish to sign up, just reply to this email with your team members' names. If you've been waiting on your neighbor/roommate/mailman to get back to you, tell them to kick it into gear. 

• If you're not planning on participating (silly you), we do need some volunteers for the day of! If you're available either 1, 2 or all 3 hours on Sunday, August 5th, and would like to witness the brutality first-hand, please let me know. You won't regret it.

• If you and your team have already confirmed, you should have received a PayPal request from Joanna. If you haven't, please let us know. 

• Now that you've discovered the Cloaca Maxima blog (welcome!), check out the 7 different team questionnaires that we've already posted. And let's just say that we have a very liberal sense of "comment moderation," so let the smack talk and insult-hurling begin.

• Finally, a shout-out to our sponsors -- Vitamin Water, Veggie Grill & Lara Bar -- all of whom are providing either donations or prizes for the event. (Yes, the grand prize is a bottle of Vitamin Water to split amongst the winning team members. It'll probably be half full at best.)

Train hard,

Brian & Joanna

Team #7: Shrampton

Team Name: Shrampton. Not Team Shrampton ... or Shrampton & Company ... just "Shrampton." Just like Cher. Or God.

Team Leader: Ashley Lambert a.k.a. TRASHLY

Teammates: Ben, Leilani, Neil

Unique Team Skills:
   1. Invented Facebook
   2. Own partial set of 1st and 2nd series Garbage Pail Kids
   3. Placed 5th in Orlando Synchronized Trampoline Finals

Team member most likely to Netflix "Spartacus" prior to the event:

Ummm...does it need to be said?

Ben. Kendall.

It's already happened.

Ideal 5-course breakfast on the morning-of ... ?

1st Course: Raw Habanero Pepper
2nd: 61 degree egg with ossetra caviar and house smoked salmon
3rd: Bay Cities' Godmother
4th: Uni
5th: Pistachio Macaron

And the strongest coffee there ever was.

Team #6: Handsome Troy & Friends

Team Name: Handsome Troy & Friends

Team Leader: Nina "Primary Contact Person" Harada Weiss

Teammates: Jeremy, Alex, Handsome Troy

Unique Team Skills:
   1. troy can recite Canterbury Tales in middle english from memory
   2. none of us dye our hair
   3. we all own bicycles
   4. karate
   5. painting
   6. alex can count to 39 in french but so can most french people
   7. nina speaks japanese!
   8. jeremy is really really friendly. like really friendly.
   9. NINA SPEAK JAPANESE

Team member most likely to excel in the "animal mating calls" challenge:

Alex can do a quail, but that's it.

Let's hear some of that elegant smack talk for the day-of...

"We are really good at everything!" 
"We are better than you in many important ways!" 
"We can drink more Korbel champagne than you!"

The Fonz Knows

Team #5: Graybeard

Team Name: Graybeard

Team Leader: Chris Easter. You can reach me at 1-800-CLOACA-MAXIMA-CHAMPIONS. And, no, I don't care that that's too many digits to be an actual phone number. I dare you to dial it, bitch.

Teammates: Kim, Jeremy, Alyssa

3 Unique Team Skills:
     1. We're good enough.
     2. We're smart enough.
     3. Doggonit, people like us.

Team member most likely to quote 'Braveheart' in the heat of the competition:

Jeremy does a mean Robert the Bruce. And speaking of Robert the Bruce, what a rotten, no good, backstabbing son of a bitch.

Graybeard policy on cannibalism?

We're willing to look the other way.

Team #4: PMS Face

Team Name: PMS Face

Team Leader: Josh Heine
Teammates: Alyssa, Erin, Amanda

3 Unique Team Skills:
Amongst the team members of PMS Face, you will find someone who:
   1. Can produce a proper duck call
   2. Has an extremely flexible auricle (see below)

   3. Once chased down a flasher

Team member most likely to verbally assault a fellow team member:

No one on our team would ever have verbally assaulted anyone ... and then Amanda joined our team.

First line of your legendary victory speech at the Cloaca Maxima finish line:

"Honestly, it has really just been a pleasure and a privilege to participate with all you losers..."

Team #3: The Post-Modern Hikers

Team Name: The Post-Modern Hikers

Team Leader: Matt Nelson
Teammates: Brittany, Luke, Joseph

3 Unique Team Skills:
   1. Ability to fake dialects with conviction
   2. We can all pick locks (pick as in choosing ... not actual lock-picking)

   3. Three of the four of us can whistle (and Joseph's working on it)

And the team's 4th unique skill is bedsheet repurposing

Team member most likely to vomit to the maxima: Brittany, naturally

Team member most likely to buy a handgun prior to the competition: 

Matt (already purchased, as a matter of fact)

Current training regimen?

Bacon, bath salts (actual bath salts -- no cannibal nonsense), shot put, staircase-railing-sliding practice, tambourine solos, and a combination of archery, vintage bordeaux, and cucumber slices over our eyes.

Confirmed Teams Needed by July 5th!

Dear Competitors,

Sorry for interrupting your intense training ritual for Cloaca Maxima 2012. Those creatine injections are really making a difference. Well done.

Breaking news: Joanna and I need a few more confirmed teams before we can give a green light on our event. If you're interested in joining in the festivities but haven't made it "official," this is the week to do so! Get a team of 3 to 4 together and email us on or before Thursday, July 5th.

If you've already confirmed, spread the word via email and on Facebook and get others to join in. After all, competition is healthy. (In moderation.)

OH - and some of you have been asking for more details about the challenges you're going to endure on August 5th. Well, we can't do that. But we can give you a detailed percentage breakdown of the various skills you'll need in order to complete and potentially win Cloaca Maxima:

• 25% intellect
• 25% brawn 
• 15% trivia (8% U.S. history, 7% UPS history)
• 10% stickball
• 40% monkey business and banking
• 5% intimidation
• 9% rodeo clownsmanship
• 12% Super Mario Kart
• 3% grocery cart mechanics
• 2% rock, paper and/or scissors
• 1% Perfect Strangers theme song

Thanks in advance!
Brian & Joanna

email ---> cloacamaxima2012@gmail.com
blog ---> cloacamaxima2012.blogspot.com

Team #2: Magnus Amor

Team Name: Magnus Amor

Team Leader: Dr. Mouse (Mary)
Teammates: Alyx, Jonathan, Laura

3 Unique Team Skills:
   1. Using an excessive amount of R's in all written and spoken language.
   2. We cover all ends of the marriage spectrum, chronically single, blissfully married and desperately divorced.
   3. We have the closest thing to a polygamist relationship possible, minus the sexy time and bonnets and homeownership.

Team member most likely to stop for a snack:
Alyx "I'm grumpy when I'm hungry" Rossetti

"This IS me smiling. Now put down that knish, Rossetti!"

Ideal Cloaca Maxima training coach?
Tag team of Miss Cleo, Barry Switzer (BOOMER!) and 'Big Man' from R. Kelly's epic hip-hopera Trapped in the Closet