Cloaca Maxima: It Begins (Tomorrow)

The devastation is so close, we can almost taste it. It could also be all the sand in our mouths.

Please meet us at 1:30pm this Sunday in Santa Monica. Head to the NW corner of Montana and Ocean, then go slightly to your right and towards the water, looking for Joanna -- who will be standing roughly here:

Of course, she'll be in full Roman attire...

She will direct you where to go from there.

Please be sure to bring/wear the following:

• comfy shoes/sneakers & clothing (and keep in mind our Best Costume contest)
• your Driver's License
• water (we will have Vitamin Water on-site)
• sunscreen
• your smart phone with photo capabilities
• the car your team will use (think about your gas tank - stopping for gas could mean the difference between 1st and 2nd place!) 

Lastly, the Cloaca Maxima After Party (wahoo!) will be at the iO West Theater in Hollywood -- 6366 Hollywood Blvd (corner of Cosmo, near Cahuenga). Feel free to invite a few friends to help you celebrate your victory. You can tell them that we will be at iO West from roughly 5-7pm and they are more than welcome to join the party! There will be $5 drink specials and winners announced and lots and lots of gloating.

Now get down and give me 20.

Team #11: Breaking Baxima

Team Name: Breaking Baxima

Team Leader: Josh "the JB" backOFF

Teammates: Evan, Melody

Unique Team Skills:
   1. Untangling basketball nets
   2. Farsi is our universal language
   3. Driving while texting

Team member most likely to get his/her nails done prior to the competition:

The obvious answer is Evan, so we'll say Melody.


Team's chances of defeating the competition (1 being disastrous, 10 being victorious):

Have you seen this video of our trainer, Mr. Kimbo Slice, in action? This is what the other "teams" can expect from us. Oh... that would be a 10!!

Team #10: Charon's H.A.M.R.

Team Name: Charon's H.A.M.R. (pronounced hammer)

It combines our team members' initials AND this little gem from www.roman-colosseum.info that says that "still living gladiators (these were the noxii, who had been sentenced to death in the arena) would receive a fatal blow to the head with a massive hammer inflicted by a man dressed like Charon, the Ferryman of the Underworld."

I think that pretty much puts our team's goal in perspective.

Team Leader: Austen Sherman

Teammates: Holly, Michael, Rachel

Unique Team Skills:
   1. We are extremely well-balanced: we have an artsy nerd, a pop culture diva, a geographical wizard, and a wannabe jock. That may or may not make us the new Spice Girls. Artsy, Poppy, Mappy, and Jocky?
   2. I'm not sure if its a skill but the majority of our team hardly knows each other and is extra eager to prove their self-worth in one hellish afternoon.
   3. 75% of our team went to Arizona State University -- and, yes, that is a skill. So no matter what you've got planned, we've probably seen crazier.

Team member most likely to call their mom the night before for a pep talk:

Rachel -- but a live pep talk as opposed to over the phone, since she lives near her mom.

But "pep talk" sounds so soft. We're thinking more "motivational monologue," i.e. Al Pacino in Any Given Sunday ... with a wig.

Dude, Rachel's mom needs a Snickers

Your team's "Morning of Cloaca Maxima/Time to Get Pumped" playlist:
   1. Superbad - James Brown
   2. Tougher Than the Rest - Bruce Springsteen
   3. Pride - Manchester Orchestra
   4. You Gotta Be - Des'ree
   5. Eye of the Tiger - Survivor (too good to leave off the list)

Team #9: Special K

Team Name: Special K

Team Leader: Nathalie Kunin

Teammates: Doug, Ethan, Louie

Unique Team Skills:
   1. Running fast (Louie)
   2. Calm under pressure (Ethan)
   3. Ability to use psychological warfare (Doug)

Dream Team

Team member most likely to confuse "Cloaca Maxima" with a new brand of cologne:

Ethan!

Scenario: In the final stretch of the competition, it's down to your team and another team comprised of "Double Dare" host Marc Summers, Justin Bieber, and a goat. Describe the final seconds of the race:
We're neck and neck with Bieber cause he's in his Fisker Karma, but in the end, Louie outruns him.

Team #8: ¡Ay, Murciélago!

Team Name: ¡Ay, Murciélago!

Team Leader: Alex Whittington

Teammates: Robert, Ben, Marshall

Unique Team Skills:
   1. Special Forces trained
   2. Navy discharged
   3. Honorably unemployed

"Ay, Murciélago" -- not to be confused with "Awwwww, Murciélago!"

Team member most likely to not pay the $10 entry fee and blame it on PayPal:

Ben Greene

Most difficult word spelled correctly and collectively by the entire team:

Murciélago

Describe the one Cloaca Maxima challenge that would completely dismantle your team:
Anything having to do with water.

Jeremy Says

Mickey Says

Last Call for Competitors & Volunteers Needed!

Competitors,

To the one of you (I won't say who) who convinced Burgess Meredith's ghost to train you for Cloaca Maxima ... I salute you. To the rest of you ... time to step it up.

• This is a LAST CALL for competitors. The final final date to confirm your participation is midnight on Sunday, July 29th. If you wish to sign up, just reply to this email with your team members' names. If you've been waiting on your neighbor/roommate/mailman to get back to you, tell them to kick it into gear. 

• If you're not planning on participating (silly you), we do need some volunteers for the day of! If you're available either 1, 2 or all 3 hours on Sunday, August 5th, and would like to witness the brutality first-hand, please let me know. You won't regret it.

• If you and your team have already confirmed, you should have received a PayPal request from Joanna. If you haven't, please let us know. 

• Now that you've discovered the Cloaca Maxima blog (welcome!), check out the 7 different team questionnaires that we've already posted. And let's just say that we have a very liberal sense of "comment moderation," so let the smack talk and insult-hurling begin.

• Finally, a shout-out to our sponsors -- Vitamin Water, Veggie Grill & Lara Bar -- all of whom are providing either donations or prizes for the event. (Yes, the grand prize is a bottle of Vitamin Water to split amongst the winning team members. It'll probably be half full at best.)

Train hard,

Brian & Joanna

Team #7: Shrampton

Team Name: Shrampton. Not Team Shrampton ... or Shrampton & Company ... just "Shrampton." Just like Cher. Or God.

Team Leader: Ashley Lambert a.k.a. TRASHLY

Teammates: Ben, Leilani, Neil

Unique Team Skills:
   1. Invented Facebook
   2. Own partial set of 1st and 2nd series Garbage Pail Kids
   3. Placed 5th in Orlando Synchronized Trampoline Finals

Team member most likely to Netflix "Spartacus" prior to the event:

Ummm...does it need to be said?

Ben. Kendall.

It's already happened.

Ideal 5-course breakfast on the morning-of ... ?

1st Course: Raw Habanero Pepper
2nd: 61 degree egg with ossetra caviar and house smoked salmon
3rd: Bay Cities' Godmother
4th: Uni
5th: Pistachio Macaron

And the strongest coffee there ever was.

Team #6: Handsome Troy & Friends

Team Name: Handsome Troy & Friends

Team Leader: Nina "Primary Contact Person" Harada Weiss

Teammates: Jeremy, Alex, Handsome Troy

Unique Team Skills:
   1. troy can recite Canterbury Tales in middle english from memory
   2. none of us dye our hair
   3. we all own bicycles
   4. karate
   5. painting
   6. alex can count to 39 in french but so can most french people
   7. nina speaks japanese!
   8. jeremy is really really friendly. like really friendly.
   9. NINA SPEAK JAPANESE

Team member most likely to excel in the "animal mating calls" challenge:

Alex can do a quail, but that's it.

Let's hear some of that elegant smack talk for the day-of...

"We are really good at everything!" 
"We are better than you in many important ways!" 
"We can drink more Korbel champagne than you!"

The Fonz Knows

Team #5: Graybeard

Team Name: Graybeard

Team Leader: Chris Easter. You can reach me at 1-800-CLOACA-MAXIMA-CHAMPIONS. And, no, I don't care that that's too many digits to be an actual phone number. I dare you to dial it, bitch.

Teammates: Kim, Jeremy, Alyssa

3 Unique Team Skills:
     1. We're good enough.
     2. We're smart enough.
     3. Doggonit, people like us.

Team member most likely to quote 'Braveheart' in the heat of the competition:

Jeremy does a mean Robert the Bruce. And speaking of Robert the Bruce, what a rotten, no good, backstabbing son of a bitch.

Graybeard policy on cannibalism?

We're willing to look the other way.

Team #4: PMS Face

Team Name: PMS Face

Team Leader: Josh Heine
Teammates: Alyssa, Erin, Amanda

3 Unique Team Skills:
Amongst the team members of PMS Face, you will find someone who:
   1. Can produce a proper duck call
   2. Has an extremely flexible auricle (see below)

   3. Once chased down a flasher

Team member most likely to verbally assault a fellow team member:

No one on our team would ever have verbally assaulted anyone ... and then Amanda joined our team.

First line of your legendary victory speech at the Cloaca Maxima finish line:

"Honestly, it has really just been a pleasure and a privilege to participate with all you losers..."

Team #3: The Post-Modern Hikers

Team Name: The Post-Modern Hikers

Team Leader: Matt Nelson
Teammates: Brittany, Luke, Joseph

3 Unique Team Skills:
   1. Ability to fake dialects with conviction
   2. We can all pick locks (pick as in choosing ... not actual lock-picking)

   3. Three of the four of us can whistle (and Joseph's working on it)

And the team's 4th unique skill is bedsheet repurposing

Team member most likely to vomit to the maxima: Brittany, naturally

Team member most likely to buy a handgun prior to the competition: 

Matt (already purchased, as a matter of fact)

Current training regimen?

Bacon, bath salts (actual bath salts -- no cannibal nonsense), shot put, staircase-railing-sliding practice, tambourine solos, and a combination of archery, vintage bordeaux, and cucumber slices over our eyes.

Confirmed Teams Needed by July 5th!

Dear Competitors,

Sorry for interrupting your intense training ritual for Cloaca Maxima 2012. Those creatine injections are really making a difference. Well done.

Breaking news: Joanna and I need a few more confirmed teams before we can give a green light on our event. If you're interested in joining in the festivities but haven't made it "official," this is the week to do so! Get a team of 3 to 4 together and email us on or before Thursday, July 5th.

If you've already confirmed, spread the word via email and on Facebook and get others to join in. After all, competition is healthy. (In moderation.)

OH - and some of you have been asking for more details about the challenges you're going to endure on August 5th. Well, we can't do that. But we can give you a detailed percentage breakdown of the various skills you'll need in order to complete and potentially win Cloaca Maxima:

• 25% intellect
• 25% brawn 
• 15% trivia (8% U.S. history, 7% UPS history)
• 10% stickball
• 40% monkey business and banking
• 5% intimidation
• 9% rodeo clownsmanship
• 12% Super Mario Kart
• 3% grocery cart mechanics
• 2% rock, paper and/or scissors
• 1% Perfect Strangers theme song

Thanks in advance!
Brian & Joanna

email ---> cloacamaxima2012@gmail.com
blog ---> cloacamaxima2012.blogspot.com

Team #2: Magnus Amor

Team Name: Magnus Amor

Team Leader: Dr. Mouse (Mary)
Teammates: Alyx, Jonathan, Laura

3 Unique Team Skills:
   1. Using an excessive amount of R's in all written and spoken language.
   2. We cover all ends of the marriage spectrum, chronically single, blissfully married and desperately divorced.
   3. We have the closest thing to a polygamist relationship possible, minus the sexy time and bonnets and homeownership.

Team member most likely to stop for a snack:
Alyx "I'm grumpy when I'm hungry" Rossetti

"This IS me smiling. Now put down that knish, Rossetti!"

Ideal Cloaca Maxima training coach?
Tag team of Miss Cleo, Barry Switzer (BOOMER!) and 'Big Man' from R. Kelly's epic hip-hopera Trapped in the Closet

Cloaca Maxima: Nationwide

We haven't even had our inaugural event, and still I'm hoping that Cloaca Maxima spreads like wildfire, through word of mouth and innuendo. I'm hoping that I'll be in Seattle for a conference or something, and I'll see a poster for CM. Or I'll get a haircut in Chicago, and the hairdressers will be gossiping about it. People in Iceland will be hosting their own Cloaca Maxima ... with an Icelandic twist.

This guy knows what I'm talking about

Yes, it'll be the new Fight Club, except without the bodily harm and black eyes.

                             TYLER'S VOICE
                 We've got six Cloaca Maxima events in 

                 Chicago now...

     JACK spins, dropping the phone -- TYLER sits beside him.

                             TYLER
                 Four in Milwaukee.

                             JACK
                 What's this all about, Tyler?

                             TYLER
                 And, we're definitely filling a void
                 in the rural South.

                             JACK
                 Why do people think I'm you?

Or maybe I just want Brad Pitt to be my alter ego. I think that goal might be more reasonable.

Making Friends with Vigilantes

Cloaca Maxima is teaming up with the Vigilante Fit Club, "a fun unique fitness experience that allows you to build the body you want AND make the world a better place by donating 10% of boot camp proceeds to various local and global charities."

If you're looking for opportunities to train before our August 5th event, Vigilante Fit Club creator Damon Valley is holding a Food Bank Boot Camp on Saturday, July 21st from 10:30-11:30am.

"Once a month, the Vigilante Fit Club will hold a Food Bank boot camp at Pan Pacific Park in West Hollywood. The session price is simply a donation of two non-perishable food products (preferably organic and healthy) which will be taken to the local Los Angeles Food Bank."

In other words, help donate to a great cause, and get an amazing workout.

Visit:
Vigilante's Tumblr
Vigilante's Facebook Page

For more information, email:
vigilantefitclub@gmail.com

Evidence of the First "Cloaca Maxima" Games

Placard circa 450 BC. Inscription says something about a fierce competition, trained gladiators, lots of crying, confusion, bloodshed, Phil Keoghan was there, blah blah blah.

Team #1: Prima Nocta

Team Name: Prima Nocta

Team Leader: Teresa
Teammates: Josh, Beth, Randy

3 Unique Team Skills:
   1. Ample appetites
   2. A way with words
   3. A working knowledge of goblin lore

Team Member most likely to feign an ankle sprain:
Beth

Biggest competition?
Bai Ling. Only some of us see Krang as competition.

FAQs Answered

To those of you who have eagerly emailed and reserved your space in the competition -- thank you!! Your enthusiasm is contagious. Below is a list of Frequently Asked Questions... and our cryptic answers to those questions.

CLOACA MAXIMA: FAQ
So, like, what is this again? I don't get it.
Great! That's kind of the idea. I mean, hopefully you read the Memorandum post. If not, scroll down and read it below. And we have no intention of telling you anything beyond that. At least for right now.

Okay, I read it - I still don't get it. Should I do it?
Yes! Jump into the unknown! We promise... there will be nothing dangerous or life-threatening about this competition (Joanna has already rejected my real-life Hungry Hungry Hippos tableau challenge idea), and at the very least, you're going to have the Maxima amount of fun possible on a Sunday morning/afternoon/time TBA.

And you guys are organizing this or something?
That's right. Joanna and I are not participating -- we're merely the creators/organizers/hosts of this brand-spanking new event (not affiliated with any other LA race-like event) that was born from our twisted minds and our love of The Amazing Race, Minute to Win It, Supermarket Sweep (Brian's favorite) and the best of reality/game show television. We're here to answer any questions you may have, and we'll be there on the day-of, giving out the challenges as you struggle to complete them.

What should I do right now?
Glad you asked! (1) Clear August 5th in your calendar, (2) form a team of 3-4 persons ASAP, and (3) email/call/text/comment ont this here blog to let us know that you're participating!! That last part is super important. Once we've guaranteed at least 10 teams for the event, we'll begin accepting payments from all competitors.

Oh, right, the payment thing. What's that?
It's $10 per competitor, not per team (and $12 after July 15th). On July 1st, we'll be sending out PayPal invoices to all confirmed players unless you prefer to pay by cash or check. And remember -- once all expenses are covered, any remaining funds will go straight to Save Our Boy, our favorite and a most deserving charity.

Can my kids compete with us?
I don't know -- CAN THEY? Are they savage, trophy-hungry rascals who will do anything to succeed? Absolutely!! Or are they more laid back, TV-hungry couch crashers who will do anything for a Klondike Bar? That's fine too! Children ages 10 and up are more than welcome to join in the fun. If you have a specific question about this, email us at cloacamaxima2012@gmail.com.

Anything I can do... ASIDE from forming a team and confirming my attendance?
YES! Since this is our first year putting Cloaca Maxima together, we would very much appreciate it if you could get your adventure-seeking friends and families involved. Spread the word on all your social media portals. The more the merrier. Don't be afraid of competition!! You can also join our Facebook page and invite others to participate.

Hope to see you there!

A Memorandum

To: Bloodthirsty Competitors
From: Brian & Joanna
Priority: Highest
Date: 5/30/2012
Re: CLOACA MAXIMA

--------------------------------------------------------------------

It's impossible to qualify it really, but let's try. It's 25% Amazing Race, 15% Minute to Win It, 5% Scavenger Hunt, 3% Greco-Roman Wrestling, 1% Short Essay Response, 51% Crying. Yes, more than half of you will cry at some point.

Together, Joanna and I will be creating and hosting a city-wide race that will require you to run, crawl, drive, research, unearth, undress, decode, beg, barter, and be better (and faster) than everyone else. It won't be like anything you're imagining it's going to be. It will be so much more.

Here is all the information you need at this time:

DATE the race will take place on Sunday, August 5th (mark your calendars)
TIME tba
LOCATION greater los angeles/reception tba
TEAMS 3 to 4 individuals, no more, no less (yes, you are responsible for putting together your own team)
EARLYBIRD ADMISSION FEE $10 per person/$12 after July 15
PRIZES tba

Admission fee gets you several hours of exquisite joy and exceptional pain ... plus food and beverages. Entry fees cover race and reception expenses. Any remaining funds will go directly to charity, namely Save Our Boy.

So begin thinking about your team. What skills are you lacking, which will you need, and who among you has them? Build a team (invite people we don't know; we don't mind), give yourselves a team name, and pay the entry fee via cash, check or PayPal by 7/15. (You can email us to set up payment.) Train as you see fit, and arrive on August 5th, prepared to battle ... and laugh your asses off.

COMPETITORS WANTED.

Introducing: Cloaca Maxima