Cloaca Maxima: It Begins (Tomorrow)

The devastation is so close, we can almost taste it. It could also be all the sand in our mouths.

Please meet us at 1:30pm this Sunday in Santa Monica. Head to the NW corner of Montana and Ocean, then go slightly to your right and towards the water, looking for Joanna -- who will be standing roughly here:

Of course, she'll be in full Roman attire...

She will direct you where to go from there.

Please be sure to bring/wear the following:

• comfy shoes/sneakers & clothing (and keep in mind our Best Costume contest)
• your Driver's License
• water (we will have Vitamin Water on-site)
• sunscreen
• your smart phone with photo capabilities
• the car your team will use (think about your gas tank - stopping for gas could mean the difference between 1st and 2nd place!) 

Lastly, the Cloaca Maxima After Party (wahoo!) will be at the iO West Theater in Hollywood -- 6366 Hollywood Blvd (corner of Cosmo, near Cahuenga). Feel free to invite a few friends to help you celebrate your victory. You can tell them that we will be at iO West from roughly 5-7pm and they are more than welcome to join the party! There will be $5 drink specials and winners announced and lots and lots of gloating.

Now get down and give me 20.

Team #11: Breaking Baxima

Team Name: Breaking Baxima

Team Leader: Josh "the JB" backOFF

Teammates: Evan, Melody

Unique Team Skills:
   1. Untangling basketball nets
   2. Farsi is our universal language
   3. Driving while texting

Team member most likely to get his/her nails done prior to the competition:

The obvious answer is Evan, so we'll say Melody.


Team's chances of defeating the competition (1 being disastrous, 10 being victorious):

Have you seen this video of our trainer, Mr. Kimbo Slice, in action? This is what the other "teams" can expect from us. Oh... that would be a 10!!

Team #10: Charon's H.A.M.R.

Team Name: Charon's H.A.M.R. (pronounced hammer)

It combines our team members' initials AND this little gem from www.roman-colosseum.info that says that "still living gladiators (these were the noxii, who had been sentenced to death in the arena) would receive a fatal blow to the head with a massive hammer inflicted by a man dressed like Charon, the Ferryman of the Underworld."

I think that pretty much puts our team's goal in perspective.

Team Leader: Austen Sherman

Teammates: Holly, Michael, Rachel

Unique Team Skills:
   1. We are extremely well-balanced: we have an artsy nerd, a pop culture diva, a geographical wizard, and a wannabe jock. That may or may not make us the new Spice Girls. Artsy, Poppy, Mappy, and Jocky?
   2. I'm not sure if its a skill but the majority of our team hardly knows each other and is extra eager to prove their self-worth in one hellish afternoon.
   3. 75% of our team went to Arizona State University -- and, yes, that is a skill. So no matter what you've got planned, we've probably seen crazier.

Team member most likely to call their mom the night before for a pep talk:

Rachel -- but a live pep talk as opposed to over the phone, since she lives near her mom.

But "pep talk" sounds so soft. We're thinking more "motivational monologue," i.e. Al Pacino in Any Given Sunday ... with a wig.

Dude, Rachel's mom needs a Snickers

Your team's "Morning of Cloaca Maxima/Time to Get Pumped" playlist:
   1. Superbad - James Brown
   2. Tougher Than the Rest - Bruce Springsteen
   3. Pride - Manchester Orchestra
   4. You Gotta Be - Des'ree
   5. Eye of the Tiger - Survivor (too good to leave off the list)

Team #9: Special K

Team Name: Special K

Team Leader: Nathalie Kunin

Teammates: Doug, Ethan, Louie

Unique Team Skills:
   1. Running fast (Louie)
   2. Calm under pressure (Ethan)
   3. Ability to use psychological warfare (Doug)

Dream Team

Team member most likely to confuse "Cloaca Maxima" with a new brand of cologne:

Ethan!

Scenario: In the final stretch of the competition, it's down to your team and another team comprised of "Double Dare" host Marc Summers, Justin Bieber, and a goat. Describe the final seconds of the race:
We're neck and neck with Bieber cause he's in his Fisker Karma, but in the end, Louie outruns him.

Team #8: ¡Ay, Murciélago!

Team Name: ¡Ay, Murciélago!

Team Leader: Alex Whittington

Teammates: Robert, Ben, Marshall

Unique Team Skills:
   1. Special Forces trained
   2. Navy discharged
   3. Honorably unemployed

"Ay, Murciélago" -- not to be confused with "Awwwww, Murciélago!"

Team member most likely to not pay the $10 entry fee and blame it on PayPal:

Ben Greene

Most difficult word spelled correctly and collectively by the entire team:

Murciélago

Describe the one Cloaca Maxima challenge that would completely dismantle your team:
Anything having to do with water.

Jeremy Says

Mickey Says

Last Call for Competitors & Volunteers Needed!

Competitors,

To the one of you (I won't say who) who convinced Burgess Meredith's ghost to train you for Cloaca Maxima ... I salute you. To the rest of you ... time to step it up.

• This is a LAST CALL for competitors. The final final date to confirm your participation is midnight on Sunday, July 29th. If you wish to sign up, just reply to this email with your team members' names. If you've been waiting on your neighbor/roommate/mailman to get back to you, tell them to kick it into gear. 

• If you're not planning on participating (silly you), we do need some volunteers for the day of! If you're available either 1, 2 or all 3 hours on Sunday, August 5th, and would like to witness the brutality first-hand, please let me know. You won't regret it.

• If you and your team have already confirmed, you should have received a PayPal request from Joanna. If you haven't, please let us know. 

• Now that you've discovered the Cloaca Maxima blog (welcome!), check out the 7 different team questionnaires that we've already posted. And let's just say that we have a very liberal sense of "comment moderation," so let the smack talk and insult-hurling begin.

• Finally, a shout-out to our sponsors -- Vitamin Water, Veggie Grill & Lara Bar -- all of whom are providing either donations or prizes for the event. (Yes, the grand prize is a bottle of Vitamin Water to split amongst the winning team members. It'll probably be half full at best.)

Train hard,

Brian & Joanna

Team #7: Shrampton

Team Name: Shrampton. Not Team Shrampton ... or Shrampton & Company ... just "Shrampton." Just like Cher. Or God.

Team Leader: Ashley Lambert a.k.a. TRASHLY

Teammates: Ben, Leilani, Neil

Unique Team Skills:
   1. Invented Facebook
   2. Own partial set of 1st and 2nd series Garbage Pail Kids
   3. Placed 5th in Orlando Synchronized Trampoline Finals

Team member most likely to Netflix "Spartacus" prior to the event:

Ummm...does it need to be said?

Ben. Kendall.

It's already happened.

Ideal 5-course breakfast on the morning-of ... ?

1st Course: Raw Habanero Pepper
2nd: 61 degree egg with ossetra caviar and house smoked salmon
3rd: Bay Cities' Godmother
4th: Uni
5th: Pistachio Macaron

And the strongest coffee there ever was.

Team #6: Handsome Troy & Friends

Team Name: Handsome Troy & Friends

Team Leader: Nina "Primary Contact Person" Harada Weiss

Teammates: Jeremy, Alex, Handsome Troy

Unique Team Skills:
   1. troy can recite Canterbury Tales in middle english from memory
   2. none of us dye our hair
   3. we all own bicycles
   4. karate
   5. painting
   6. alex can count to 39 in french but so can most french people
   7. nina speaks japanese!
   8. jeremy is really really friendly. like really friendly.
   9. NINA SPEAK JAPANESE

Team member most likely to excel in the "animal mating calls" challenge:

Alex can do a quail, but that's it.

Let's hear some of that elegant smack talk for the day-of...

"We are really good at everything!" 
"We are better than you in many important ways!" 
"We can drink more Korbel champagne than you!"