The Fonz Knows

Team #5: Graybeard

Team Name: Graybeard

Team Leader: Chris Easter. You can reach me at 1-800-CLOACA-MAXIMA-CHAMPIONS. And, no, I don't care that that's too many digits to be an actual phone number. I dare you to dial it, bitch.

Teammates: Kim, Jeremy, Alyssa

3 Unique Team Skills:
     1. We're good enough.
     2. We're smart enough.
     3. Doggonit, people like us.

Team member most likely to quote 'Braveheart' in the heat of the competition:

Jeremy does a mean Robert the Bruce. And speaking of Robert the Bruce, what a rotten, no good, backstabbing son of a bitch.

Graybeard policy on cannibalism?

We're willing to look the other way.

Team #4: PMS Face

Team Name: PMS Face

Team Leader: Josh Heine
Teammates: Alyssa, Erin, Amanda

3 Unique Team Skills:
Amongst the team members of PMS Face, you will find someone who:
   1. Can produce a proper duck call
   2. Has an extremely flexible auricle (see below)

   3. Once chased down a flasher

Team member most likely to verbally assault a fellow team member:

No one on our team would ever have verbally assaulted anyone ... and then Amanda joined our team.

First line of your legendary victory speech at the Cloaca Maxima finish line:

"Honestly, it has really just been a pleasure and a privilege to participate with all you losers..."

Team #3: The Post-Modern Hikers

Team Name: The Post-Modern Hikers

Team Leader: Matt Nelson
Teammates: Brittany, Luke, Joseph

3 Unique Team Skills:
   1. Ability to fake dialects with conviction
   2. We can all pick locks (pick as in choosing ... not actual lock-picking)

   3. Three of the four of us can whistle (and Joseph's working on it)

And the team's 4th unique skill is bedsheet repurposing

Team member most likely to vomit to the maxima: Brittany, naturally

Team member most likely to buy a handgun prior to the competition: 

Matt (already purchased, as a matter of fact)

Current training regimen?

Bacon, bath salts (actual bath salts -- no cannibal nonsense), shot put, staircase-railing-sliding practice, tambourine solos, and a combination of archery, vintage bordeaux, and cucumber slices over our eyes.

Confirmed Teams Needed by July 5th!

Dear Competitors,

Sorry for interrupting your intense training ritual for Cloaca Maxima 2012. Those creatine injections are really making a difference. Well done.

Breaking news: Joanna and I need a few more confirmed teams before we can give a green light on our event. If you're interested in joining in the festivities but haven't made it "official," this is the week to do so! Get a team of 3 to 4 together and email us on or before Thursday, July 5th.

If you've already confirmed, spread the word via email and on Facebook and get others to join in. After all, competition is healthy. (In moderation.)

OH - and some of you have been asking for more details about the challenges you're going to endure on August 5th. Well, we can't do that. But we can give you a detailed percentage breakdown of the various skills you'll need in order to complete and potentially win Cloaca Maxima:

• 25% intellect
• 25% brawn 
• 15% trivia (8% U.S. history, 7% UPS history)
• 10% stickball
• 40% monkey business and banking
• 5% intimidation
• 9% rodeo clownsmanship
• 12% Super Mario Kart
• 3% grocery cart mechanics
• 2% rock, paper and/or scissors
• 1% Perfect Strangers theme song

Thanks in advance!
Brian & Joanna

email ---> cloacamaxima2012@gmail.com
blog ---> cloacamaxima2012.blogspot.com

Team #2: Magnus Amor

Team Name: Magnus Amor

Team Leader: Dr. Mouse (Mary)
Teammates: Alyx, Jonathan, Laura

3 Unique Team Skills:
   1. Using an excessive amount of R's in all written and spoken language.
   2. We cover all ends of the marriage spectrum, chronically single, blissfully married and desperately divorced.
   3. We have the closest thing to a polygamist relationship possible, minus the sexy time and bonnets and homeownership.

Team member most likely to stop for a snack:
Alyx "I'm grumpy when I'm hungry" Rossetti

"This IS me smiling. Now put down that knish, Rossetti!"

Ideal Cloaca Maxima training coach?
Tag team of Miss Cleo, Barry Switzer (BOOMER!) and 'Big Man' from R. Kelly's epic hip-hopera Trapped in the Closet

Cloaca Maxima: Nationwide

We haven't even had our inaugural event, and still I'm hoping that Cloaca Maxima spreads like wildfire, through word of mouth and innuendo. I'm hoping that I'll be in Seattle for a conference or something, and I'll see a poster for CM. Or I'll get a haircut in Chicago, and the hairdressers will be gossiping about it. People in Iceland will be hosting their own Cloaca Maxima ... with an Icelandic twist.

This guy knows what I'm talking about

Yes, it'll be the new Fight Club, except without the bodily harm and black eyes.

                             TYLER'S VOICE
                 We've got six Cloaca Maxima events in 

                 Chicago now...

     JACK spins, dropping the phone -- TYLER sits beside him.

                             TYLER
                 Four in Milwaukee.

                             JACK
                 What's this all about, Tyler?

                             TYLER
                 And, we're definitely filling a void
                 in the rural South.

                             JACK
                 Why do people think I'm you?

Or maybe I just want Brad Pitt to be my alter ego. I think that goal might be more reasonable.

Making Friends with Vigilantes

Cloaca Maxima is teaming up with the Vigilante Fit Club, "a fun unique fitness experience that allows you to build the body you want AND make the world a better place by donating 10% of boot camp proceeds to various local and global charities."

If you're looking for opportunities to train before our August 5th event, Vigilante Fit Club creator Damon Valley is holding a Food Bank Boot Camp on Saturday, July 21st from 10:30-11:30am.

"Once a month, the Vigilante Fit Club will hold a Food Bank boot camp at Pan Pacific Park in West Hollywood. The session price is simply a donation of two non-perishable food products (preferably organic and healthy) which will be taken to the local Los Angeles Food Bank."

In other words, help donate to a great cause, and get an amazing workout.

Visit:
Vigilante's Tumblr
Vigilante's Facebook Page

For more information, email:
vigilantefitclub@gmail.com

Evidence of the First "Cloaca Maxima" Games

Placard circa 450 BC. Inscription says something about a fierce competition, trained gladiators, lots of crying, confusion, bloodshed, Phil Keoghan was there, blah blah blah.

Team #1: Prima Nocta

Team Name: Prima Nocta

Team Leader: Teresa
Teammates: Josh, Beth, Randy

3 Unique Team Skills:
   1. Ample appetites
   2. A way with words
   3. A working knowledge of goblin lore

Team Member most likely to feign an ankle sprain:
Beth

Biggest competition?
Bai Ling. Only some of us see Krang as competition.